Awful Movie Review: Thankskilling!

     Yet another new segment I will be implementing into the world of Trox Talk is the Awful Movie Review. I am actually going to try to find the worst movies I can then watch them and tell you what I thought. Everyone on the internet reviews good movies, or movies they love. I like spice things up. I'm sure I'll find some gems along the way, and I'm even more sure that I'll rip a movie apart on here at some point that will cause a colossal backlash from my readers, causing me to lose you all, and have to shut this thing down..Sound like fun to you? Me too! Thumbs up lets do this!
     The old saying goes "Everyone is a critic." Each day we are thrown out in to the real world and we are bombarded by people trying to make us feel the same way they do (or are paid to say they do). Critics tell us what to eat, where to shop, what to listen to, and what we should watch. Who are they to decide what's in our respective best interests? This first run of Trox Talk: Awful Movie Reviews was set in motion not by my need to criticize anything, but by my undying desire to come to the aid of those in need..Or the passionate pursuit of my selfish quest to find the most awful movie ever created. I'm no Roger Ebert, but I think if I try hard enough I can find the Holy Grail of shit movies.. Let me explain.
      Because I have been completely obsessed with movies since before I was old enough to walk, I have always had a great mind with regard to storytelling, and I have developed a high tolerance for stuff that sucks, I feel I am more than qualified to conquer this task. I also have an extensive DVD/Blu-Ray collection spanning every genre from Horror to Musicals...To horror/musicals...(Sweeney Todd is bitchin'). This makes me feel like I possess a wealth of experience and reference points to guide me along the way. Thankskilling will be my first stop on this epic journey!
 

This is an actual promo poster for the first movie in question...

         Right out of the gates, you discover that the featured villain in the B-horror movie (I use that term, B movie losely..is their a such thing as a "Q" movie?) is not only a turkey, but it is also puppet. Tons of movies and TV shows have used puppets as a focal character in the past, so it's no big deal, right? Child's Play, Gremlins, Team America, and Star Wars are all critically-acclaimed-household-name-type films which have utilized puppets or marionettes to tell a decent story or at least get a few laughs from the audience. Thankskilling is different.. This thing a rubber hand puppet. It has no moving parts besides it's mouth, and you can actually see in a few scenes where the puppeteers arm begins. He talks in a voice that sounds like a little a 9 year old doing a Freddy Kreuger impression. It's beyond awful. In fact, just to give you an idea of what we're dealing with..SPOILER ALERT! The first line in the movie is "Nice tit's bitch!" Which has to be either the best or worst opening line to a movie of all time. (I'm leaning towards best.)
         There are a couple of scenes where there is a stuffed animal used to represent this homicidal beast's body (like for example, there is a scene where the stuffed animal turkey has SEX with one of his victims...That's right this movie has a stuffed thanksgiving turkey puppet who stuffs one of its victims like a...Why did I decide to do this again?) And you'll notice I keep referring to the turkey as either "this guy" or "the turkey puppet", that's because the main character of this movie has no discernible name to speak of. His name might be Thankskilling, but if it is, they never really make it clear to the audience.

"Hi! My name is..my name is..my name is..*chicka chicka*..ummm..screw it.

         The basic storyline for Thankskilling is pretty standard. A group of college kids on break from their studies decide to do some camping, drinking, and humping. It's kind of like if Friday the 13th sucked, and Jason was a piece of early colonial folklore instead of a maniac with a chainsaw and a hockey mask..My favorite scene was probably when the turkey dresses up as one of the girls' dad by simply putting on the dad's sheriff hat (of course her dad is the sheriff a-la Nightmare on Elm St and every other horror movie ever) Then the girl proceeds to talk to the turkey as if she is none the wiser for about 10 minutes until the moment of shock when the hat falls off revealing his true identity. He keeps using these unclever disguises and no one seems to notice that he's only 2' 6". Clark Kent's bifocals think this whole movie is horse manure.
         The movie is an hour or so of nonsensical gore, boob jokes, and a cursing plastic doll that someone bought from Halloween Express..So why was it so freaking entertaining? I don't get. I watched this in the man cave with a group of friends and not a single person even thought of suggesting we shut this garbage off. The best answer I have is this. Some movies are supposed to be bad. I don't know if the directors initial goal is for a movie to suck, or if they just get half way through production and run out of money. Either way I feel like this movie is a joke on the rest of the world, and everyone, (including me) who has actually seen it, has fallen for it. I mean think about it..What if a movie could be so awful that it it could gain enough attention for being bad to warrant a website, a Facebook  page,  a myspace page, and widespread exposure from national news, iTunes, Netflix, Amazon, Playstation 3, Blockbuster, and Warner Bros? Remember when Paranormal Activity was first being released? They used a viral marketing plan that had people demanding that the movie be screened in their area. SO DID THIS!! Here is the actual theatrical trailer for Thankskilling...

Thankskilling caused quite a stir and even made the news on a number of occasions.

         Is it justifiable for a movie to be completely terrible as long as it wasn't even trying to be good to begin with? Is my mission over? Have I already found the most awful movie ever created in my very first AMR? I'm not going to tell you to rush out and see this movie as soon as you can, but if you are bored, have a few adult beverages, and queue it up with some friends on Netflix. You'll have a good time as long as you don't try to watch it alone. Our society has been so dumbed down in recent years, that eventually Thankskilling will probably replace Charlie Brown on TBS or NFL football each Thanksgiving in the near future..Instead of watching Miracle on 34th Street or A Christmas Story, we'll probably have a 24 hour loop of Goldberg's holiday masterpiece....

Possible future AMR?

         Sorry if the grammar and spelling were off a bit in this one. It's late and the editors are on vacation, so if you do find any errors I'd love for you to tell me all about them...But seriously don't. Remember you can leave comments on the bottom of the post, email me at trox@troxtalk.com with your thoughts (if anyone else has seen, or decides to watch Thankskilling, I will post your review too!) or check us out on twitter @troxtalk. Next time, I'm going to do something unrelated to movies. Gotta keep it fresh. See you all again soon!                                              
                                                      
                                                       Warmest Regards,
                                                        Trox