Thursday, February 3, 2011

Super Bowl Spectacular!

        That title sounds like a used car sale doesn't it? Or maybe a rent-to-own furniture ad? We should get Hulk Hogan and Troy Aikman to cut a TroxTalk promo... My bad. Anyway, welcome to the first ever TroxTalk Super Bowl breakdown. Today we're going to cut through much of the B.S. surrounding the big game this Sunday, as I break down what the media is considering the most important SB related storyline. These are the contrived, mundane, and redundant efforts to create just a little bit more hype before the Steelers and the Packers line-up on Sunday. I understand the media wanting to humanize these superstar athletes. I get that by creating relatable side stories you might be able to make the Super Bowl a fraction interesting to the general public, and in the long run, possibly rake in a few more dollars from a few more viewers. Here's the problem I'm having... IT'S THE SUPERBOWL! It's watched by nearly 110 Million people globally each year. It has the highest Nielsen rating of any program on any channel each and every single year!! Football, by nature is plenty entertaining. I have literally witnessed people watching an NFL or college game for the very first time. Even those who started out with preconceived notions about the barbaric violence, exorbitant salaries, performance enhancing drugs, strip clubs, DUIs, hand guns, and the like, which are so often brought into the conversation, still had one thing in common. They were all interested, and no one left the room or changed the channel. Here are just a few of the unnecessary headlines we are being force-fed going into the game this weekend....

Here's important SB coverage from Fox News.... 


       Let me get this straight? Sunday has the potential to be one of the greatest Super Bowl games of all time.. Two prolific offenses. Two tough, hard nosed defenses..And we are supposed to care that Pittsburgh and Green Bay are both teams who have decided that it isn't important to have a bunch of weathered skanks shouting on the sidelines? Cheeseheads don't need boobies to get fired up for the game. (Green Bay chicks already have triple J chests with bellies to match.) Plus, they have the a quarterback in Aaron Rodgers who has been burning defenses so far in the playoffs. He has a QB rating of 109.2 and has thrown for 800 yds and 6 TDs to this point. On the other hand, The Steelers have a #1 ranked defense that hasn't let anyone run the ball against them all year, so Aaron is going to have to throw early and often. They averaged giving up about 63 rushing yards per game (the next best team was the Bears with 90 yds per game!) The longest run against Pittsburgh all year was for 24 yards and they surrendered just 5 rushing touchdowns for the entire season. Besides, the Steelers wouldn't be able to find more than a handful of girls from Pittsburgh who are cute enough to be viewed in high-definition anyway. That handful are busy with more important things like reading TroxTalk! HI, GIRLS!

Just sayin'.

Then ESPN gives us this riveting story...  

       You have gotta be freakin' kiddin' me! Hair?! These guys were the #1 and #2 defensive players in the entire league this year and you want to come at me with HAIR?! Are you serious!? On defense these two warriors combined for 123 tackles, 14.5 sacks, 8 interceptions, and 2 TDs this season..And we somehow are having trouble coming up with more important things to discuss than their hair?!!! Not a stat guy? FINE! They went to the same college, were coached by some of the same coaches, and have a lot of the same friends. Take that road. Don't give us this crap. ESPN is the largest sporting news network on the planet, and this is all they could muster? I'm fired up!


Make the loser of the game shave his head! Then I'll care.

    
        Don't get me wrong. I have been on the path to epic hair myself for the last couple of months. (So far, it's kind of a cross breed of Toad from Super Mario Bros. and Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World.) But, marketing the Super Bowl to women based on which hardened on-field killer is the 'dreamiest' is just like trying to get dudes to watch The Bachelor based on which one of the chicks has the hairiest back.(OK maybe that's not exactly the same thing.) My point is, people who want to watch it will. Those who don't want to watch won't. Stop this.

"I won't deny it. I'ma straight Rider..." - 2Pac

       Every year the media has to have some gimmick, which takes the focus completely off of the game, that they can beat like a dead horse until game day and sometimes beyond. Most of the time, whatever they keeping droning on and on about has almost nothing to do with football. As soon as I mention any of those topics, you will remember exactly what I am talking about and hopefully how badly it made you want to drink toilet bowl cleaner...Por ejemplo:

SUPER BOWL XLIV: Hurrican Katrina
SUPER BOWL XLIII: The Cardinals don't deserve to be here.
SUPER BOWL XLII: Will the 1972 Miami Dolphins be dethroned?(I said almost nothing.)
SUPER BOWL XLI: Peyton Manning can't win the big game. (It's like he was playing himself. The Bears were an afterthought.)
SUPER BOWL XL: Jerome Bettis is from Detroit (We get it. The game is at Ford Field. Change the record.)

       The list of these side stories goes on and on, but I won't do every Super Bowl. This year I am not even going to watch anything having to do with the NFL until the game starts this Sunday at 6:30. I might even tune in a little later than that so that I won't have to watch an entire 45 minute Maroon 5 concert before kickoff. I know what some of you are thinking.."Trox, if you aren't watching anything about the game how do you know about Maroon 5?!?". Pipe down smart ass.
       Football, in it's purest form, once the Black Eyed Peas are done with the watered down pregame show, and Lee Ann Rimes is done with her watered down rendition of national anthem, and Bud Light is done pimping it's nasty watered down beer, and the media is done beating us over the head it's ridiculous watered down side-stories, and everyone has made their watered down money, is an amazing and intricate game that tells it's own story. One yard at a time.
       If it feels like I've spent the majority of this post bitching and not talk football, it's because I have. Their are experts and analysts who do a way better job than I can if that's what gets you pumped for the big game. I will give you my prediction though. If I am picking with my head, logic tells me that the Steelers are going to run away with this one. As much as I bash on the Steelers and their tubby waffle fans, the reality is this... I am envious. Actually, I am Incredible-Hulk-green with jealous rage every time they succeed at anything. I am a Bengals fan, and they are the Bengals biggest rival, so in a way, it's my job to talk about how fat their city is, how obnoxious the fans are, and how "some day the shoe will be on the other foot and Cincinnati fans will be much classier about our multiple Super Bowl victories."



       The honest to God truth is that Pittsburgh and the Rooney's almost never produce a disappointing season. There are seemingly no holes in the Steelers makeup that would strongly suggest the Packers can somehow take advantage of some weakness. The Steelers have a good running game, top tier wide receivers, one of the best defenses I've ever seen, and a QB who takes care of business like he's hammered in the ladies room...All that said, I'm taking the Packers by 3. I never listen to my head. Isn't that why you guys follow me? If the Packers lose, I will issue a formal apology, live, here on this page to the Steelers and the city of Pittsburgh. I am man enough to admit when I am wrong, and I'm strong enough to eat a little HateCrow. I promise I'll explain that term in the next edition of TroxTalk. Until then, I hope head coach Omar Epps, and his drunken oafy rapist quarterback get the living piss kicked out of them come Sunday. Enjoy the game.
"You da Juice now." Where else can you get 2-Pacs in one unrelated post!


                                                           Warmest Regards,

                                                              Trox

P.S. Just so I don't get a buncha hate mail from stiffs who can't take a joke, here is a nice little gallery of hot fans, who would make decent cheerleaders for the Packers and the Steelers. I like jerseys that are painted on. SFW.

1 comment:

  1. Never realized how much mike tomlin and Omar Epps look alike. Ive seen that picture of the huge ass girl from Pittsburgh a bazillion times and it always makes me laugh, so thanks for that one.

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