Trox's Top 5 NES Games!

    
       WHAT IT DO?! Alright now just settle down. Before you guys start on me for providing you with next to nothing in the way of content for about the last week or so..be sure to keep a couple of things in mind.

1.) I was sick for a few days...the last thing you probably want to do when you're under the weather is sit in front of a screen and try to be funny.

2.) A dear friend of mine got married this past weekend, so the crew here at TroxTalk was a little tied up with visiting old friends, the big bachelor party (I might do a post on it if anyone can accurately recall what took place), and then of course, the wedding itself. Congratulations Mr.and Mrs. Meier!!

3.) Traditional sabbaticals generally last anywhere from 2 months to 1 year. You guys got off light and only had to live without me for a short time. You're welcome.

        So there are my poor excuse for keeping you chomping at the bit for a few days. Don't worry there are plenty of more exciting lists on the horizon....Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Sort of. Did anyone check out the Robocop Movie Tracks episode I did with the guys over at The Best Podcast? Hopefully, I've managed to rake in a few new listeners for them, and if I have, you know that they close the show every week with a segment called the Top 5. This past Friday TBC's Top 5 topic was "Top 5 Games for the Nintendo Entertainment System." My brain instantly went 8-bit and I began to recall some of the greatest moments from my early nerdom.
       One thing I noticed is that, because great minds think alike, Dave and Phinny rarely have an opinion that differs from mine during their weekly Top 5 segment. After talking with them, we decided it might be fun to conduct a little experiment. They are going to give me their Top 5 topics in advance for the next few Fridays. (At this point it looks like they will all be somehow "old school video game" related.) What we are going to do is, without any correspondence between TroxTalk.com and The Best Podcast, reveal our respective Top 5 lists at the same time on each topic. TBC's list will be one their podcast and mine will be here on the blog. We are very aware that this is a shameless cross-promotion, but from what I gather, many of their listeners are my readers and vice-versa anyway. We may as well have some fun with it.
       Just so you kids have a feel for how this is going to work, The Best Podcast list of the Top 5 NES games can be heard here... Episode 26: One Giant Cash Grab 

The Best Cast Top 5 NES Games

5. Duck Tales

4. Mike Tyson's Punch Out

3. Tecmo Super Bowl

2. The Legend of Zelda

1. Super Mario Bros. 3

        That was their list and it wasn't bad. This time around I've already heard what they had to say. This Friday it looks like we're going to do the Top 5 SEGA Genesis games, and I won't have any prior knowledge of Dave and Phinny's picks, so there's a chance some of the games we select will be the same... For this countdown I purposely selected a totally different group of NES games. Lets do this.

TROX'S TOP 5 GAMES FOR THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM:

#5

         I'm kicking off the countdown with somewhat of a sentimental pick for me. I bought my very first video game console the Nintendo Entertainment System using birthday money, and a collection of stolen bills from my mother’s purse at the age of 6. (To a 6 year old, video games were like meth. Any kid would beg or steal to get their hands on some.) I could only afford this base model NES which included Super Mario Bros., a game I actually hated at the time because “my man kept jumping in the dumb holes” This is a problem which would later re-manifest itself in my late teens and early 20s. Maybe we’ll discuss that in another post. My Gram felt sorry for me having saved all this money all by myself…errrr….and only being able to afford a single shitty game to go with it, so she forked out the dough for me to choose a second game. I picked Mega Man 3 based on the only tried and true selection method for a child. The box art was fantastic! I should note that a young boy struggling with the complications of Super Mario Bros. has absolutely NO business in the world of Mega Man 3.
           There are still levels on this one which I find almost impossible without cheat codes. I eventually grew to love both Mega Man 3 and the first Super Mario Bros. game out of necessity. It was either learn to like these tough games I had and get good at them, or have it turn into another situation like the puppy, the goldfish, the hamster, and the turtle… In short, Gram would see me showing no interest, and kill my NES. (Just joking, but I knew if I didn’t play Mega Man 3, she wouldn’t by me anymore games, and Christmas was coming up.)
 

#4

       I can't think about Excitebike without referencing a famous scene from the movie Lucky Number Slevin. It went something like this...
  
Mr. Goodkat: There was a time.
Nick: [groggily looks at his watch] 4:35.
Mr. Goodkat: You misunderstood. I wasn't asking for the time, I was just saying... there was a time.
Nick: There was a time?
Mr. Goodkat: Mmm-hmm. Take Brown Sugar back there, for example. She's pretty fuckin' foxy, right?
[indicates old lady asleep in next row of seats]
Nick: [incredulous] She's 70.
Mr. Goodkat: If she's a day. But there was a time.

       By today's standards of Call of Duty and Portal 2, Excitebike isn't much to write home about. It's hard to believe that during it's prime back in 1985 it was completely cutting edge. 4 independent racers could be on the screen at once, the sound (while annoying today) actually gave you a sort of motocross feel, and it's the first game I can recall with a custom map creator. OH YEA! AND..IT WAS FREAKING FUN!! I used to spend hours with my friends overheating and crashing into each other on purpose. Sadly, when I revisited this game (yep, still got it) for this countdown, I realized an awful truth..Excitebike has almost zero staying power. To try to play it now, it may as well be called "Monotonous-boring-as-shit-bike". I consider making this game my fourth pick an homage to the forgotten.. Many of these throwback titles we have been talking about have withstood the test of time, and if you pop them in you could still have a blast playing them through. This unfortunately is not the case for Excitebike...But there was a time...

#3

        Kung Fu is the O.G. of the fighting game genre. It was one of the earliest releases on the NES and it marked the birth of one of the most static and ironclad fixtures in the entire video game universe. VIOLENCE. The first time I mashed the red B button on my NES controller, heard that little *pewt* sound made by Thomas, and put one of those 8-bit size 10 sandals upside a baddies head I was HOOKED. This was a game that I borrowed from a friend on 3 separate occasions, and the third time I didn't bother returning it. (I was a stealin' ass scandalous little kid.) In Japan, Kung Fu was titled Spartan X and it was based off of a Jackie Chan movie called Wheels on Meals. In America, it paved the way for virtually every "kick ass and save your woman" game to come along since..In some ways, without Kung Fu, there is no Mortal Kombat. That's why Kung Fu gets my #3 slot, and these other great games do not. 

 #2

    If you are a regular here on TroxTalk you are fairly certain of one thing by this point. I love me some sports. I'll watch just about anything on ESPN apart from poker and Nascar. I love Reds baseball, Bengals football, and Red Wings hockey! For me, part of being a huge sports nut and a part time video game geek is that I play a TON of sports games. I've had every Madden Football game since about 1991.. (Back then it wasn't Madden NFL, it was called 'John Madden Football') However, the very first sports video game I ever played was Blades of Steel. It had it all. The roar of the 8-bit crowd, the horn sounding loudly when you score a goal, and fighting..That's right. FIGHTING! I went back and played a game of Blades not too long ago, and I'm here to tell you, it's still pretty bad-ass. To this day when I pop open the latest title from 2kSports or EA, I am just chasing the dragon in search of that high I felt playing Blades of Steel in my bottom bunk (I was one of those spoiled kids who had bunk beds even though there was just one of me at the time).

Here are a couple of other notable NES sports games that I would beat you at...

#1

      Contra, at it's core, is the greatest NES game of all time. It was one of the first times a video game was able to immerse you deep inside what felt like an actual adventure. It took the muscles and guns of a 1980s action movie and put them right in the palm of your hand. It was revolutionary because every kid between the ages of about 5 and 80 wanted to be a hero, and to that point, all you could really do is save a frog from getting hit by cars, or help a yellow circle escape from a buncha rainbow colored sheets with holes in them, or try to run down some bratty chick from a keg tossing monkey on top of a ladder...You get my drift. I feel like just about every big game that hits retailers nowadays is a shooter, but back then, Contra was THE shooter. And it was one of the only games on the market to offer 2-D side-scrolling levels along with bottom-up 3-D levels which were the earliest stages of the modern first person shooter. Think about that the next time you play Halo or Fallout: New Vegas. Yes, Contra made you feel like a soldier..at least until you realized how tough the game actually was. In fact, it's still challenging even after all these years, but at least everyone, including people who never played the game, no the secret to Contra's demise...

↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A start

        I know that this has been a pretty long post, but I needed to knock some of the rust off. Thanks for sticking with it and as always I'd love to get your thoughts.  Maybe you can send me your top 5 or you can cuss me because you strongly disagree with mine. Either way I'd love to hear from you @troxtalk on twitter or you can just email me trox@troxtalk.com . Thanks again to the dudes from The Best Podcast! If everyone who ever played Nintendo were to make their own top 5 list, I bet know 2 people would give the same answers, and that's why this little project with TBC is gonna be so much fun. Stay tuned for Friday when we see how my Top 5 SEGA Genesis countdown matches up to theirs. I wonder if anything will overlap? Deuces.

P.S. I've also decided to include a "Hipster Pick" at the bottom of each Top 5. You know, the obligatory "this game wasn't very mainstream, so you probably haven't ever heard of it" act. The NES Hipster Pick is a no-brainer. If you haven't played Crash-N-The Boys Street Challenge, you should check it out. You can thank me later.

Pretty Sure This Dude Needs Some New Drawers...

    I can't really talk junk about this guy. When I saw The Grudge I was terrified of Gram's cat for like 2 week....

"What do you think is more exciting? Having Sex or Stealing Cars?" (User Submitted)

         That is one baller opening sequence. Maybe I don't despise Moby as much as I thought I did... What's up, fresh!? I was watching Gone in 60 Seconds the other day, and I started daydreaming a little about how awesome it would be if my everyday driver wasn't a middle class shitty economy car... In the spirit of Gone in 60 this weeks TTHA was for you to tell me what tight whip you would be skatin' down the boulevard in if money were no object. No, I am not going to buy you one! You gotta take it!  People buy expensive cars for a lot of reasons. Some people want power. Some want luxury. And some are just compensating for something. Which rides did you guys want bad enough to steal?

Phinny from The Best Podcast... I know what you're thinking. "Wow, you really went off the board with this one, Phinny." When you think of your Dream Car, it usually doesn't involve something you could realistically see yourself purchasing in the next five years. But I'm a simple man, with simple needs. This isn't Cruisin' USA... I don't need a Lamborghini Diablo, Porsche 911, Oldsmobile En Fuego, or anything that has to do with fire. Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are garbage. And their movies? Garbage. All I need is a respectable German-engineered sled, with a good set of speakers, and enough room in the back to put my bass amp. And did I say murdered-out? Yeah make it murdered out.

Justin...My dream car is the Aston Martin Vanquish S

5.9L V12

514HP

425 ft/lb torque

0-62 mph in 4.0 seconds

top speed of 204 mph

 

Dustin...McClaren F1 – the only car where riding bitch is the best seat you can have.

Maynard...1999 Subaru Impreza 22b in Rally Blue. Original sticker price of $42,000. Probably now sell for over $75,000.

"On the release of the sales, all 399 produced sold out from 30 minutes to 48 hours, depending on the report. Another 25 were produced for export markets."

 

T-Dogg... 1978 trans am.  basically because i'm just that cool.  my wife would automatically start suckin' my d%$* off every time we got in this ride.  other chicks would constantly be tryin' to suck my d%$* off but i'd be like "i'm married to this fine piece of a$$ in the passenger seat. step."

Derrick... The Rolls-Royce Phantom "How playa is dat, mayne."

         Sarah gets to boost two this week because she always does her Homework, and I think it's rad that a girl picked not 1, but 2 wicked muscle cars.

Sarah 1...1966 Ford Mustang Shelby GT 350 

 

 

Sarah 2... Dodge Challenger MOPAR

    And the "The Rest of Us Are Green With Jealous Rage Because You've Already Reached the Mountain Top Even Though We Really Appreciate Your Military Service" Award goes to.....

Billy..."I dont want to sound cocky, but my dream car was a lotus elise, ever since i saw it in gran tourismo 2. I remember telling you that I was gonna buy one before I went to Afghanistan." (You sure did, buddy! And you earned it! This isn't a stock photo. This is my good friend Billy in his beautiful Lotus.)

As always I get 2 because I'm indecisive...also the host...

Bugatti Veyron

No matter what I'm pushin...

 Bentley Continental GT

It's gonna be 'player white'.

       Well guys, that about wraps it up for this weeks edition of TTHA. As always, I love you for playing along! Hope you had some fun with it. Be sure to drop a line to any of the preferred media trox@troxtalk.com/@troxtalk on Twitter/ Comments section below. Next week I'm in the mood to do some more sports. I'll talk some NFL Draft results, NHL and NBA playoffs, and there might just be something down the pike in the way of another classic "Awful Movie Review". Catch you on the flip!

                                                                 Warmest Regards,

                                                                 Trox

"How do we kill it, Ash?"

        I have seen some pretty gnarly wedding dessert treats in my day, but this one takes the...you know what? Screw it.

Didn't See That One Coming...

      It just doesn't pay to get behind anyone anymore. Every time I think I have a hero I can count on, they let me down like this. Carson Palmer, Manny Ramirez, Brandon Marshall's wife, and now this...

I will pray every day for the rest of my life that this was somehow fabricate..

      By the way, did you get your homework done yet? Get your dream car over to trox@troxtalk.com, so I can forget all about what we just saw. Shameful.

1.Serve the public trust. 2. Protect the innocent. 3. Uphold the law.

          
         I had the esteemed honor and pleasure of once again holding down a guest spot on The Best Podcast this week. We did a nice little Mystery Science Theater style episode called Movie Tracks that can be synced up with the 1987 smash film Robocop. It's available on Netflix, but you should already own the directors cut. If you wanna share a few laughs with Phinny, Dave, and myself, you should queue this up. If you don't have access to the movie, then you are a knob, but you should still check em out at www.thebestcast.com . I think TroxTalk readers will especially appreciate episode 15.

Carl Hates Everything. (1 User Submitted)

       As you all know, TTHA is my favorite time of the week where I get to connect directly with you, get inside your head a little, and find out what makes my readers tick. Not this week. This week for the Homework Assignment I asked you guys to name something you absolutely hate that everyone else seems to think is pretty sweet... Now do you remember back at the science fair in 3rd grade when you would bring in your solar system made out of bouncy balls from the quarter machines at Big Lots, and then some jagaloon would roll in a few minutes later with a to-scale model of the Hubble Space Telescope (his dad worked for NASA) that took actual video footage while baking pizzas for the entire class? That overachiever was loyal reader, Carl. He ran away with the blue ribbon this week, wrecked the grading curve, and now all of the rest of you are just going to have to study up and wait for your chance to shine next week.
        Carl is a brilliant mind who frequents TroxTalk even though he has to move down a weight class for his I.Q. to process my immature ramblings on this blog. He always contributes, and he's always entertaining, so I don't even bother to ask what he's doing here. Why does the most interesting man in the world prefer Dos Equis? That's kind of like our friend Carl. He doesn't always read the blogs of lowly degenerates, but when he does, he prefers TroxTalk.com.
       All I asked for was a simple "thing you hate" and it lit a fuse inside Carl which exploded like a thousand pounds of TNT from a Wile E. Coyote cartoon all over my email inbox...It was a list, in all caps, which made me laugh until my eyes welled up and my face was beet red. It was a random assortment, in no particular order, of the things Carl hates. And frankly, Carl Hates Everything. The truth is, even though this post is in his honor, I doubt Carl will be able to suffer through it's entirety.

TACO BELL

         Bland, mushy food served by unclean people at a typically uncleanlooking store. I have to open 15 packets of their hottest sauce to enjoy any of their pablum.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY
  THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY
  THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA
  THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY
  THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI 

            My wife watches some of these which is why I know about them. I can't make it past 5 minutes of listening to the rich, pretentious women on these shows talk about anything without feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack if I don't find a window to jump out of.

 

Teen Vampire Movies

Ugh.

Religion

 Causes more problems than it solves. Abused by charlatans as an excuse for violence and control.

 

Bud Light

 It has no flavor.

Movie Theater Popcorn Butter

 It tastes weird and it's horrible for you.

Chicken Breasts

          Little flavor and unless cooked correctly it's always dry. It's on every fucking menu because it's cheap and the favorite piece of chicken by people who also happen to like bland, dry food. I get excited about a chicken dish on a restaurant menu, then I see it's a breast and I don't order it. Always skinless, which just removes flavor. If it's fried with skin, it can pass. SKIN AND DARK MEAT are where the flavor game is in chicken.
 

Country Music

          It's corny, I don't like the twang noise, and it's embraced by a lot of people who think stupid is a virtue.
 

Crossover Country Music Stars

See Above.

Cats

          It's just accepted that they shit and piss in your house. Clean up is one of the worst jobs in the world, which I had for many years as my wife brought a cat into our relationship. Fuck cats.

Small (Cat-Sized) Dogs

           Endless high-pitched barking. Can't leave them in a house for any length of time because they can't "hold it" for very long.
 

Local Sports Radio

           ENDLESS DISSECTING OF LOCAL SPORTS MINUTIAE. BORING. Even if I'm passionate about a team, hearing assholes on the radio go on and on about them makes me like the team less. Maybe I'd disagree if I lived in a big city.

Nascar

            I know there's a lot of behind-the-scenes complexity and strategy in this sport, but the actual action of the "game," which is cars driving in a fucking oval with an occasional wreck is mind-numbing.

Saggy Pants

                     I don't want to see a man's underwear.

Pointy Women's Shoes

              THEY'RE UGLY. Makes the woman wearing them look like a fucking witch. They also look like the weapons of man-hating, bitchy women. It hurts my balls just looking at them.

SUV'S AND TRUCKS

I'm sick of seeing them.

           And boom goes the dynamite. Carl just went wire to wire on this weeks TroxTalk Homework Assignment. Everyone else, step your game up or else this thing could become CarlTalk.com. For those of you besides Carl who made submissions, don't worry I like to keep it fair. You'll get your own mini posts throughout the weekend too. Anytime I see this kind of effort go into making TroxTalk better, I'll let it go on as long as it needs to. No one who contributes and contributes well is going to get cut short. I would like to remind everyone that the views and opinions expressed in this TTHA were Carl's and Carl's alone. (Except the Bud Light part. That shit is gross.) If you disagree with any of it, which I'm sure some of you do, leave a comment, and I can probably get Carl to tear you a new one. Thanks again for making my job easy this week, Carl. You're the man, and my new hero. In Carl We Trust.

                                                                     Warmest Regards,
                                                                     Trox

P.S. There is only ONE guy who hates more stuff than Carl does.