OPRAH 8===D

          PREFACE: I am, by no stretch of anyone's imagination, an aficionado in the world of cosmetics, hygiene (in fact I'm smelling pretty rank even as I am typing this), or skin creams. As someone who rocks Irish Spring original scent body wash with an AXE detailer, I do generally possess all of the freshness of Ireland, but that may not necessarily afford me the credibility required to tackle subject matter such as this. With that said, here I go...

          

          If I try really hard, I bet I can remember the exact moment when I decided that Oprah Winfrey was a miserable human being....Ahhh yes...I stopped by my Gram's house once while she was watching the Oprah Show and there was a story about an unfortunate woman named Charla Nash who was left blind and horribly disfigured after being attacked by a friends pet chimpanzee. The chimp weighed close to 200lbs and it basically beat the tar out of her and tried to eat her face. Oprah brought the woman on the show with a bee keepers mask over her face and basically made a complete circus sideshow out of her entire situation. Then she hit Nash with a barrage of heartless self serving questions "How does it feel to know that you frighten people with your face?" "Do you worry that no one will be able to love you?" Stuff like that...The questions were obviously designed to boost ratings for 45 minutes and get everyone on the edge of their seats just  before the final segments grand finale where Oprah convinced the woman to remove her veil if she "felt comfortable". I don't expect Charla to lock herself away in a cave forever, but seeing as how she hadn't allowed anyone to see her uncovered besides doctors and nurses since her accident, I'm going to go ahead and assume she was most likely anything but comfortable. Scroll down if you would like to skip it, but the following photo is not for the faint of heart. 

         Oprah is a bajillionaire. She has more money than God, but she still needs her an entire TV network to spread her sickness and get even richer. On top of that, she still needs the network to be called OWN, so that all of her loyal subjects never forget their place. She has surgeons to keep her skinny and almost attractive enough to be on TV. Then she tells people that they are fine just the way they are. She has a sex slave who lives in her back yard who she refuses to marry because it might cost her a portion of her fortune, yet she tries to make other people feel like their marriages are inadequate because they can't always agree on which restaurant to dine in. She probably has more fans than she'll ever know or care about, and countless people who look to her for inspiration. I know it can be comforting, but a lot of what she's putting out in the world seems so utterly contrived that I can't help but think that she really is just another big business tycoon looking for a buck. I get that people are obsessed with her books, her shows, and her ideas for their own reasons. No one can force someone to dig Oprah, but I hate this reverence that she commands. It's like she can do know wrong. I am even well aware of her charitable contributions, and her 'favorite things' episode where she gives a bunch of cool stuff away to her audience. Even these things, as I see them, have some underlying alterior motive now that I have seen the monkey attack episode. Maybe Oprah gives so that others will see her giving and buy more books? Maybe her 'favorite things' episodes should be called "Nanny-nanny-boo-boo! You-middle-class-homemakers-and-your-fat-husbands-can't-afford-this!" episodes. This one interview pretty much ruined any and all appreciation I may have had for the big O.  I just can't get past how this Charla Nash must have felt during this extremely difficult interview. The cruel way Ope handled it wrecked my image of her. Just one guy's opinion. Do with it what you will.
         I recently learned that Oprah Winfrey is slanging some pretty next-level age reducing skincare products to her hordes of middle aged she-demon fans. While it comes as no surprise to this fledgling blogger or any of my minions that the big "O" would stamp her name on a product, pray on the insecurities of her viewers, and charge an exorbitant amount of scrilla to be one of the beautiful people, the ingredients may come as a surprise to some..Wait for it...wait for it....FORESKIN! Just in case you skipped 6th grade health class...

foreskin  fore·skin (fôr'skĭn') n. In male human anatomy, the foreskin is a generally retractable double-layered fold of skin and mucous membrane that covers the glans penis and protects the urinary meatus when the penis is not erect

          Apparently this stuff has been out for a couple of years, but I only heard of it for the first time a few days ago. I thought it was just some cockamamie (pun intended) urban legend, so, as a man who brings answers to the people, I decided to dig a bit deeper. SkinMedica International is an aesthetic skincare and anti-aging company developed by a dermatologist name Dr. Richard Fitzpatrick. Through decades of research they were able to determine that fibroblast cells found in the nether regions of newborn baby boys could produce a nutrient rich tissue recovery lotion...What kind of research you ask? I have no idea, and apparently neither does anyone else because in my "research" I didn't come up with anything about how this brilliant topical substance of the future exactly came to fruition. I would imagine it was brought to light by the same geniuses who discovered that you could drink the water you spit out at the dentist in order to improve eyesight. Or that you could place the discarded testicles from a middle-aged vasectomy (yes, idiots, I know that's not really what they do) in between your fingers for stability whilst painting thine fingernails. Or, did you know that if you pee on a jelly fish sting it will relieve the pain?  Ok, the last one is actually true.

 He Got Game.

          By now you could have guessed that Oprah fans are totally eating this garbage up! And they are willing to drop upwards of $156.25 per tube to get their fix. "If Oprah is pimping it then it must be good!" While I'm going to doubt there is any overlap in our fan bases, I would like to take the opportunity to speak directly to any Oprah-dite reading this at the moment. YOU ARE BEING DOOPED BY THE ANTICHRIST!! That's right! I said it. I can't stand Oprah. To me, she is the herald to all things fake and phony. The sad fact is that 90% of people are stupid. (Not you! You read Trox Talk. You're cool.) And the masses of mindless sheep will go along with anything if some snake oil salesman with a plastic (or prepuce-covered) smile presents it to them in the just the right way.

 You are beautiful.

            This writer can  hang his hat on one thing for certain. I just might have, in a round about way, managed to exact a little revenge on Charla's behalf (apart from bashing Ms. Winfrey in this here blog, she won't read it.) Thanks to her own greed driven line of cleansers, at some point, I may have transitively smacked Oprah Winfrey across the face with my junk...I highly doubt she has ever used the product herself though. If your mom uses it, does that make your dad and me eskimo brothers? That's right, and this was supposed to be a PG family friendly post.

 If your mom uses it, does that make your dad and me eskimo brothers? 

          

           What about you? Have you ever heard a freaky or disgusting story about a product that either made you go out and buy it, or never want to have anything to do with a particular brand? Everyone's heard the Taco Bell roach eggs myth at least once. Tell me about your urban legend in the comments section. Who knows, maybe it will end up a Trox Talk topic someday! You lucky dog. 

                                                                                                                 

                                                          Warmest Regards,

                            

                                      Trox